Squatter Removal Services

November 27, 2009 Squatter Removal Services

Original Posting 

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap? (MidCoast)

I have a squatter that is in my home and I am out of state

What would you charge to show up and get rid of them?  

 

From QB to Tony 

Dear Sir or Madam, 

My name is Col. Quentin W. Bancroft, USMC.  This sounds like my kind of job.  I have three tactical options for a situation such as yours, depending on the level of ‘infestation’ and your own squeamishness.  My fee would be nominal, possibly even free if the subject in question happens to be a hippie, from Vermont, or both. 

I am ready and willing to serve you.  Please reply for further details. 

Best regards,

Col. Bancroft

 

From Tony to QB

Many thanks for the reply Col. Bancroft. Where in Maine are you?

When and where did you serve? Thanks in advance.

I hope you are close by and able to make it there soon to do a “reconnaissance” mission. 

I am in California( born in Maine) and was trying to be a good son and bought my parents place so they could retire a few years ago however the best laid plans….

Unfortunately being almost 4000 miles away means I am at the mercy of who shows up there. It is a longer story than I can type however the short story is there is a guy ( 31, going through divorce, clammer/lobsterman) who is holding my property hostage. There is NO written agreement. We were in conversation and he saw an opportunity to screw someone and when you see the property you will see all you need to know. I have tried to take the high road however am at my wits end as winter means the place needs winterizing and a lot more.

 The police say it is a civil issue though I am sure it is criminal and an attorney wants $750 to start  eviction process. Unfortunately we are caught up in the meltdown here and do not have the resources to deal with this the way I would like. 

If you want to talk shoot me your # and a time to talk I will call.

I can also send you a few emails that would give you an overview of the situation. 

Ideally I find someone who can live there and fix up and they purchase asap or help me sell asap however the global economic meltdown has certainly affected Maine real estate too   

 

From QB to Tony 

I currently reside in Portland but I have a buddy from the Corps who lives in Alna.  I could certainly organize a recon mission from there.  You’ve approached the legal and law enforcement communities but to no avail.  Let’s see how this maggot responds to an American.

31-year old clammer, eh?  I doubt he’s ever been up to his neck in wildebeest dung for his country, or spread the word of Freedom through constant suppressive fire laid down from a 7th story hotel window in Astana, Kazakhstan.  No, I doubt very much that he’s even been baptized.

As mentioned before there are any of three avenues I can take here:

Level I Engagement (Diplomacy) – approach the subject on a man-to-man level while dressed in battle fatigues, making it clear that I am there on behalf of you, Tony, in an effort to ascertain his reasons for staying in your home past a deadline you have set, beyond the fact that he’s some sort of heathen communist or possibly Canadian.  I would give him ninety seconds to state his side, during which time I would remove leather gloves from my pocket, hold them in hand while staring straight through his soul and begin to hum “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”  At the end of the ninety seconds, I would put on the gloves, inform him that he has stated his case, and declare that he now has an additional sixty seconds to gather any and all possessions.  I would announce that any living thing remaining in the domicile located at 761 *** Street at the end of that sixty seconds would then enter a world of hurt not seen since The Battle of the Bulge.  Hopefully a hand knife maneuver will become necessary.

Price: No charge

Level II Engagement (Active Enlightenment) – this would first involve a pre-dawn decommissioning of the subject’s vehicle through rapid tire deflation and/or distributor cap and spark plug wire removal.  Next up would be interruption of any and all communication services (phone, internet, Twitter).  I would then enter the home, locate the subject and through a series of non-invasive interrogation techniques (direct questioning in an extreme arm bar position, aqua-immersive stimulation, etc.) determine exactly how many consecutive days of such treatment it would take before he got the hint to leave this dwelling completely.  I will pass along the fact that I am retired and have an open calendar for the foreseeable future.  Again, hopefully a hand knife maneuver or two can come into play.

Price: minimal travel fees and expenses for lock manipulation device

Level III Engagement (The Cheney Special) – Complete preemptive strike.  A zipline would be attached above the bedroom window from a nearby tree or building, upon which I would zip through the glass while shrieking, “Death from above!” and then employ a hand knife to the throat. The subject would then be dragged out by the hair through the broken window and into the street, spraypainted orange and forced to go door-to-door canvassing a three block radius and informing all of his neighbors that he is “the sonofabitch who’s going to kick all your lobster-eating asses into next week.”  This would truly make him uncomfortable in the environs as he would a) be asking for a fight from any and all takers in the neighborhood and b) he’d be very easy to spot anywhere in town since he’d be orange.

Price: negotiable (window replacement included)

Please make your choice from the above options and I can begin to surveil the target asap.  I will be out until 0900 hours tomorrow on a stealth turkey hunt.

In the Corps We Trust,
Col. Bancroft

“God has a hard-on for Marines because we kill everything we see! He plays His games, we play ours! To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep heaven packed with fresh souls!”  

 

From Tony to QB 

Great email! 

I am hopeful level 1 would do the job.

He will attempt to lie to you however when you see the place it will say all you need to know. 

Lets start there then decide what if anything is next.

Get a turkey? 

 

From Tony to QB

Hello again Colonel, 

He must have intuitively felt you coming because he called (4 am my time) and left a message saying he would be gone on Thanksgiving. If he does not leave as he said then lets discuss what is next step. 

If you and/or your friend knows anyone looking for an opportunity then keep me in mind as I am a “motivated seller”. I would consider exchanging rent for much needed cleaning, preparing for sale and a few repairs. 

Hopefully I will not need your services with this guy  however I may need them in the future so lets stay in touch. 

Your buddy is only 18+- miles away  

You have a great writing style and should consider doing something in that arena. I personally would love to hear some of the stories you have acquired. 

thanks and have a great Thanksgiving and I will be in touch,

Tony 

 

From QB to Tony 

The power of the Corps works in mysterious ways, my friend.  Apparently your clammer/vagrant could sense that justice was imminent and decided to vacate the premises before the fireworks began.  Or maybe it was time for him to go play down at the beach with his wussy clam rake and pail.  I should have figured as much.  A person consciously willing to overstay his welcome in another’s home is either a godless heathen or a German circa 1916-1945. 

Out of my own interest I will keep an eye on your property.  If the subject does leave the premises, so be it…the hand knives will have to wait.  I can at least vet any potential buyers in the future through my own screening process (cursory background check/dna verification of identity, 3-day training regimen, biblical quiz, explosives instruction, etc.).  You don’t want just anyone in there. 

Should’ve mentioned that there was a slight error in grammar in my last missive. I was on a stealth Turkey hunt, as in the country.  A few of my comrades in arms have arrangements with a military contact to receive transport to Istanbul, sometimes at a moment’s notice.  From there we fan out in search of the pygmy cormorant, a bird that is easily startled into flight and shakes in its bird boots at the sound of a repeating M-16.  The Turks complain from time to time but hey, if you want to be in NATO this kind of thing comes with the territory.  You allow us to show up on a whim and kill your rapidly depleting wildlife, and we continue to ignore your denial of the Armenian genocide.  Tit for tat. 

I appreciate your feedback on the writing skills.  Should I ever find time to publish the ol’ memoirs I’ll have a signed copy ready and waiting for you.  Much security clearance is needed before those tales are told, though. 

My best wishes to you and yours over this truly American holiday, Tony.  Remember – God and the Corps are watching over you. 

Yours in surveillance and hand-to-hand combat,

Col. Bancroft

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