McDonolds Monopoly Pieces (Ellsworth, Maine)

i am in possession of a Park Place Piece from the McD’s Monopoly Game and i’m hoping i can find someone who has boardwalk we’ll split the money even but if you know someone who has and are able to set up a deal i will pay a finders fee when we get the money. so please please please keep your eyes and ears open. email me or call me at 207*******

From QB to Adam
Dude!  I have the boardwalk piece in my car but don’t we need a third one?  All the other ones have three properties.

I stopped by McD’s the other night after raking leaves for my neighbor, Mr. Chan, and supersized some delicious Quarter Pounder w/cheez action.  When I peeled the boardwalk piece off of my Coke I was thinking, “Man, I gotta find somebody with the other two of these and we will make BANK!”  You should put out another ad saying that we’ve got two of these pieces and now we just need ONE MORE!!!

I gave my phone to my cousin the other day ’cause he’s waiting to hear back on a job from Marden’s.  Email me back.

-Quentin

From Adam to QB

DUDE, I’M PRETTY SURE BOARDWALK AND PARK PLACE ARE A 2 PIECE SET I’LL GO GET A GAMEBOARD AT McDONALDS TOMMOROW AND GET BACK TO YOU. OR YOU CAN CALL ME AT 207-***-**** ADAM

From QB to Adam

Gahh…I have no idea what you’ve written there, Adam.  My eyes go blurry with all caps…it’s a weird optic thing called Bietti’s crystalline dystrophy that seems to affect only the right-handed males on my mother’s side.  Can you resend in “normal” type?  Sorry to be a pain but it’s all I can do to even look at the screen with this gobbledygook.

In the meantime I’ll keep searching for that third piece.  We are going to be making it rain, aren’t we?  I love money.

Happy Veteran’s Day, too.  Don’t forget to pay your respects to the men and women of our armed forces.  I’m going to visit my uncle who was in the Marines.

From Adam to QB

what i said was i’m pretty sure that boardwalk and parkplace are a 2 piece set? (they are in the actual game, for sure) so i am going to stop at mcdonalds today and get 1 of the game boards so i can check then i’ll get back to you. also happy veterans day to you as well.

From QB to Adam

Ok, phew.  Much better.  That was like when I was a kid and used to watch the old Batman show with Adam West.  Every time Batman would get in a fight the punches and kicks would come up with those graphics like BIFF!! or THWACK!!  My mom would find me ten minutes later, post-seizure and covered in urine.  I can control it much better now thanks to great meds and transcendental meditation.  Don’t worry…I only peed in my pants a little bit from your email.  No biggie.

This is so freaking exciting about the Monopoly thing!!  Once we find that third piece we are going to be living it up.  I’m practically hyperventilating here.  First things first – we should agree on some things.

1. We should always be friends, no matter what – bros before hoes…and money
2. I’m thinking we should invest most of it in prime Wisconsin real estate
3. Or we could use it as seed money for a banana plantation

Let me know what you think.  Not looking to run the whole thing here so please don’t take it that way.  50/50 right down the middle.  Then when we find the person with the third piece you split yours 50/50 with him and we’re all set.

Sorry I can’t call you.  My cousin still has my phone.

From Adam to QB

well the good news is we only need the 2 pieces, but we need to hurry because they only give away 2 million dollar prizes. the bad news is, well not all bad but, it pays $50,000 a year for 20 years. so we need to meet and write up a legal contract that way niether of us have any reason to be worried. anyway get back to me as soon as possible…

From QB to Adam

No lump sum payouts, huh?  Bummer.  Ok, I’m going to head over to McD’s now and hang out in the parking lot for a while.  I’ll ask everybody who goes in or out if they have the third piece to go with Boardwalk and Park Place.  They probably put all of the winners in one part of the country to make sure the prizes get paid out, right?

Good idea about the contract.  Do you know any lawyers?  My only experience is with public defenders and I don’t know if they will take on a case like this.

Any thoughts on the banana plantation?  Or do you have an investment in mind? (Dollar dollar bills, y’all)

From Adam to QB

dude there “is no third piece” if you really do have the boardwalk piece then we are already winners dude. and as far as investments go, i’m a single dad and 20k a year is more than i make now so i would probly use it to improve our present lifestyle.. i may invest some in cd’s or something else, you know stuff thats gaurranteed to pay out..

so where do you live? because we really need to get together.

From QB to Adam

Ok, so I talked to my cousin (not the one with my phone) and it turns out he’s a lawyer.  He just drew up a very nice and comprehensive contract, which is attached.  He said that he based the language off of a marriage bann from the Church of England and the unnecessary bits are crossed out.  It’s totally legit, though, especially with the official seals at the top.

I live in Portland.  Maybe you can sign the contract and we’ll get together on Saturday to go over everything.  What are you going to wear to the press conference?

From Adam to QB

i need you to understand that all we need are the 2 game pieces to win the million bucks. and we’ll see about the contract ive got a friend i can have check it over to make sure its legally binding. and personally i doubt they will be holding any press conference’s. so i hope you understand that there is no third game piece for this particular prize.

From QB to Adam

Good idea having your friend take a look.  The more eyes the better.  Careful about this “friend” asking for a sizable legal consultation fee, though.  We find out who our true friends are when a shit ton of fast food game-related money is on the table.

I’m not so sure about the press conference, man.  If you want to show up in your sweatpants and wife beater that’s up to you.  I, however, will be rolling with a tight turtleneck + blazer combo.  When we get this gravy train rollin’ I’m probably going to need a personal stylist.  I’m not going to be stuck in Portland forever.

OK, I’m off to spend my last $7 until payday on another combo meal.  See if I can’t nail down that third game piece for us.  When do you want to meet up?  Do you want to get together with your lawyer friend for some pizza and canasta or something?

From Adam to QB

“dude there is no third game piece” tell me that you understand that.    we have already won.

From QB to Adam

We won?!?  WE WON?!?!!!!  OMG!!!  That is unfreakingreal news.  Just….wow.  Seriously…do you know someone at McDonald’s headquarters or something to get them to let us win with only the two game pieces?  Actually don’t tell me.  It’s probably better that I don’t know, right?  Magicians shouldn’t reveal their tricks.

First question – what is your address?
Second question – when can I pick up my money from you?
Third question – do you want to celebrate at Friday’s or something?
Fourth question – how stoked are you right now?
Fifth question – read question four and answer it again.  YESSSSSSS!!!!!
Sixth question – can you make sure and have my money in cash when we meet up?

From Adam to QB

seriously man there is no third game piece, but we are going to need both pieces together before we get any $$$. i live in Ellsworth. as far as how stoked i am or where to celebrate, that will have to wait untill i actually see the game pieces together…

From QB to Adam

Wait, you said we already won.  I figured that meant you already went to the press conference, and I’m cool with that even though you probably went in your Patriots Zubaz and a camo Carhartt jacket.  Did I miss something?  I’m quoting you here – “we have already won”

My car is hemorrhaging brake fluid these days so I don’t think I can make it up to Ellsworth right now.  Can you send me a cashier’s check for my half of the first $50,000 so I can get that looked into?  I’m at 70 Forest Ave., 4th Floor, Portland, ME 04102.  Also, don’t forget to sign that contract and send it along.

I attached a picture of all of the game pieces I have.  I think Mediterranean is the one we need to complete the trifecta with your Park Place.  Also, if you have Marvin Gardens we could be snagging that prize, too.  Boo-yah.

New idea for the future use of our dough starting with next year’s installment since you’re already sending me the $25,000 for the first one: Let’s actually build a hotel somewhere…just like in the game of Monopoly.  You’re feeling that one, right?  Right?

From Adam to QB

you just sit tight buddy your money is on its way.

From QB to Adam

Thanks, Adam.  I don’t suppose you’re inspired enough to bring it in person are you?

To quote our benefactors – I’m lovin’ it!

From Adam to QB

nah i’m way to busy to make a trip anywhere right now. but you just sit tight there homeslice i’ll have your check in the mail by monday.

From QB to Adam

Did your friend look over the contract?  Let’s get that squared away, too.  I wouldn’t want you backing out on me or anything.

From Adam to QB

oh yeah all set i’ll  be sending that too….

R.E.M./Creed/Crash Test Dummies – $2 (Portland)

R.E.M. – Eponymous &Monster – $2 Each
Crash Test Dummies – God Shuffled His Feet – $2

Creed – My Own Prison – $2

From QB to Mary Lou

I’ve seen these CDs listed on craigslist a few times and the price keeps dropping.  Let me know when the price hits $1 and we can talk.

From Mary Lou to QB

You can have the 4 for $5

From QB to Mary Lou

How about I give you $3 for the REM discs and the other $2 will come in the form of a small bottle of lighter fluid that you have to use in my presence to burn the other two out on your front lawn?

From Mary Lou to QB

I’ll pass

From QB to Mary Lou

Ok, how about four dollars for the REM and you sign a sworn affidavit that Creed is the worst band ever.  My lawyer/gardener can draw up the papers (he prunes bushes by day and takes online law classes).

From Mary Lou to QB

It was an ex-boyfriends CD – I got rid of him and now the reminders. Stop emailing me unless you really want them

From QB to Mary Lou

It’s been about six months now and I’m pretty sure you haven’t sold those CDs.  At least not the Creed one.  If you agree to get a ‘Creed Sux’ tattoo in a semi-visible area I will still give you 50 cents for the lot.

From Mary Lou to QB

I sold it for $8

From QB to Mary Lou

Come on…the Creed?

From Mary Lou to QB

There is a fan base out there.

From QB to Mary Lou

Amazing.  Did you relist it as an AC/DC disc and pull a fast one or something?  I don’t see how else that would work.

What about the tattoo?

From Mary Lou to QB

I am considering another tattoo actually – Quentin Eats It

Now fuck off.

50+ 2X2X2 INCH PLASTIC DISPLAY BOXES FOR YOUR COLLECTIBLES – $10 (SPRINGVALE/SANFORD)

AT LEAST 50+ DISPLAY BOXES LEFT IN THIS CASE! BRAND NEW!
NEVER USED! GREAT FOR BEADS,CRYSTALS, ANYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF…GIFT GIVING?
$10 FOR ALL
CALL KATHLEEN ***-****

From QB to Kathleen

Hello,

I had a thought about using these as part of a raffle giveaway for a school fundraiser.  How many M&Ms do you think would fit in one of those?  More than 10?  I’m having trouble envisioning just how big these are.

Thanks for your help.  The kids will love these.

Best regards,

Quentin W. Bancroft

Fundraising Chair/Badminton Instructor

MLK Elementary

From Kathleen to QB

I sent you a picture of what 15 regular M&Ms look like in it, or 15 peanut M&Ms look like both do not fill even half way.

From QB to Kathleen

Hmm…that could work.  How many Chuck E. Cheese tokens do you think would fit it there?

From Kathleen to QB

 I’m not sure, the boxes stand 2 inches tall so a good stack would fit.

From QB to Kathleen

This is getting better and better.  Could you make a few finger sandwiches, place them inside and take a snapshot?  A visual would be great to see how cramped they would be.  MLK mommies love their snacks!

From Kathleen to QB

Are you interested in the boxes?

From QB to Kathleen

Of course.  I’m willing to take them all but just want to make sure that they will accommodate each of the items that have been donated for the raffle.

How many dikfers do you think will fit in one of those boxes?  Maybe 3?  I really appreciate all of your help here.

From Kathleen to QB

it will hold as many dikfers as your mouth you asshole.

From QB to Kathleen

I’m not sure what your problem is, Kathleen, but this outburst of profanity is WAY out of line.  A dikfer is a traditional Scandinavian cookie that is usually made around the holidays to celebrate the ancient creation myth of Flarnan Uppsala.

Anyway…how many my mouth can hold is not the question.  What about the boxes?  (Let’s keep it clean this time!)

From Kathleen to QB

it holds one dikfer or two henways.

From QB to Kathleen

Those boxes are smaller than I thought then.  Only two henways?

I’ll let Joe know.

From Kathleen to QB

Joe?  who the hell is Joe?

From QB to Kathleen

Joe Mama.

Present Wrapper (Minot… Will travel)

I am a college student and I have always loved wrapping presents. I can bring my own paper and supplies or use yours, can travel or do drop off pick up so the kids don’t see… Available during school hours. Will cost more if I am traveling more than 30 minutes… 8.00 an hour… minimum of one hour.

From QB to Caelyn

Wow, this could be a lifesaver next month.  Would you be willing to travel to Poland?

From Caelyn to QB

Poland is the next town over so yeah… unless your talking poland the country then no… Just putting it out there because I’m aware of the scams.

From QB to Caelyn

No, I think the hourly rate to Poland the country would be a little out of my price range.  LOL

Do you supply the wrapping paper in your costs?  Do you have a list of styles to pick from?

From Caelyn to QB

I don’t have anything out of the Attic just yet… I will try to get some pictures and send them off to you in the morning… If your looking for something special just tell me and I’ll see what I can find.

From QB to Caelyn

No real specific requests.  Maybe something with Batman and chrysanthemums on it.

I’ll wait to hear what you have in storage.

From Caelyn to QB

I am getting the stuff out today… right now to be exact… Will be posting pictures… Have a nice day.

From Caelyn to QB (12/11/09)

In taking all the paper out of the attic I realized there is sooo much of it…  If I could just bring it there it would be so much easier to show you what I have. I am available morning next week and this weekend and next saturday. my phone number is 207-***-****

From QB to Caelyn (1/11/10)

So when can you swing by?  Thursday night might be best for me.

From Caelyn to QB

Exscuse me? Christmas is over what do you think I was doing? 

From QB to Caelyn

I think you’re looking to get paid to wrap some presents.  Did I miss something here? 

What do you have that we can wrap a caiman in?  I also have a two-floor child’s playhouse to wrap (might take an entire roll or two).  Maybe we can kill two birds with one stone and put the caiman in the playhouse and then wrap that?  Is there such a thing as high tension wrapping paper?

Thanks for all your help, Caelyn.  I think the kids are gonna have the merriest Christmas ever.

From Caelyn to QB

I am sorry  I actually picked up a seccond job after christmas and will not be available to wrap for you…

From QB to Caelyn

What am I supposed to do about the caiman?  My kid is not going to be surprised at all if he walks into the room and a 4-foot caiman is just sitting there looking back at him, waiting to be fed live frogs and water fowl.  He needs to unwrap it.  There needs to be drama.  Also I’m tired of hiding it in the garage.  It’s been pretty cold the last few nights and I’m pretty sure that thing is about to fall into some sort of hypothermic stasis. 

Hopefully a wrestling match will ensue at the unveiling.  Might teach that kid a life lesson or two.  “Here you go, Jimmy, it’s present time!  Yeah, I know it’s moving but unwrap it anyway.  (Sound of ripping paper, animal grunts, child screaming) WHOA, Santa brought you a caiman!  Where are you running to?  Time to man up and handle the situation.  (Wife says something)  Yeah, I know he’s only three, Christine, but he’s gonna have to learn sooner or later that sometimes there is a Power Ranger under the pretty paper and sometimes there is a hungry reptile waiting to attack.  That is life with a capital ‘L,’ baby.  Watch out.  Charging caiman on your six.”

I see from your spelling of ‘seccond’ and total lack of proper punctuation that your new job is not as a proofreader.  What has you so busy that you can’t do this one little job for me?  I’ve been waiting on you for over a month.

From Caelyn to QB

sent you a message before christmas and you never responded. am sorry but I will not be wrapping anything for you. I am sure that you will find a way to wrap it yourself. I am not a fan of reptiles anyway and I didn’t sign up to be harrassed.  I’m sorry if you aren’t able to tape some paper around a cage but your attitude towards me is unacceptable and I am not comfortable working for you in your home.  You seem overly aggressive about getting me to come there and I do not feel comfortable with it.  Your presents should have been wrapped and presented to you child by now and I am not responsible for making sure that happens you are.
Thankks
Caelyn

From QB to Caelyn

Come on.  These kids are 3 and 4 years old.  They don’t even know what their last names are let alone if Christmas was three weeks ago.  The real issue here is that you’re hellbent on ruining their good time.  Why do you hate my family?  This is some business you’re running…spreading Christmas cheer in the form of crushing disappointment. 

It’s not as easy as “taping some paper around a cage.”  I got a discount by not paying for a cage.  I knocked the damn thing out at the pet store with some ether on a kitchen rag and tossed it in the back seat.  Of course it woke up before I got home and ripped the holy hell out of the upholstery.  I had to use a neighbor kid as bait to get it out of the car.  Anyway, now it’s in the garage (somewhere) and comes at me guerilla-style whenever I go out there to look for a tool or something.  I’m now reduced to tossing a live chicken in ahead of me to act as a decoy anytime I go in to “The Hot Zone.”

I have tried to get my wife to help but she is having nightmares about the caiman ever since she went out to the deep freezer for some rib roast and came back missing two toes.  Obviously I need you here ready with the wrapping paper and maybe a taser or this thing is never going to happen.  Do you own any kind of shark-proof wetsuits or anything?  That could also come in handy.

From Caelyn to QB

This is the last time your hearing from me… You need to stop e-mailing me or I will be calling the police and having you investigated.  3-4 year olds should know their last name, and as a mandated reporter I should report you for keeping dangerous animals around your children.  If you cannot take no for an answer please look forward to having dhs and the police knocking on your door.  Remember you gave me your address so it
wont be hard.

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap? (MidCoast)

I have a squatter that is in my home and I am out of state

What would you charge to show up and get rid of them?  

From QB to Tony 

Dear Sir or Madam, 

My name is Col. Quentin W. Bancroft, USMC.  This sounds like my kind of job.  I have three tactical options for a situation such as yours, depending on the level of ‘infestation’ and your own squeamishness.  My fee would be nominal, possibly even free if the subject in question happens to be a hippie, from Vermont, or both. 

I am ready and willing to serve you.  Please reply for further details. 

Best regards,

Col. Bancroft

From Tony to QB

Many thanks for the reply Col. Bancroft. Where in Maine are you?

When and where did you serve? Thanks in advance.

I hope you are close by and able to make it there soon to do a “reconnaissance” mission. 

I am in California( born in Maine) and was trying to be a good son and bought my parents place so they could retire a few years ago however the best laid plans….

Unfortunately being almost 4000 miles away means I am at the mercy of who shows up there. It is a longer story than I can type however the short story is there is a guy ( 31, going through divorce, clammer/lobsterman) who is holding my property hostage. There is NO written agreement. We were in conversation and he saw an opportunity to screw someone and when you see the property you will see all you need to know. I have tried to take the high road however am at my wits end as winter means the place needs winterizing and a lot more.

 The police say it is a civil issue though I am sure it is criminal and an attorney wants $750 to start  eviction process. Unfortunately we are caught up in the meltdown here and do not have the resources to deal with this the way I would like. 

If you want to talk shoot me your # and a time to talk I will call.

I can also send you a few emails that would give you an overview of the situation. 

Ideally I find someone who can live there and fix up and they purchase asap or help me sell asap however the global economic meltdown has certainly affected Maine real estate too   

From QB to Tony 

I currently reside in Portland but I have a buddy from the Corps who lives in Alna.  I could certainly organize a recon mission from there.  You’ve approached the legal and law enforcement communities but to no avail.  Let’s see how this maggot responds to an American.

31-year old clammer, eh?  I doubt he’s ever been up to his neck in wildebeest dung for his country, or spread the word of Freedom through constant suppressive fire laid down from a 7th story hotel window in Astana, Kazakhstan.  No, I doubt very much that he’s even been baptized.

As mentioned before there are any of three avenues I can take here:

Level I Engagement (Diplomacy) – approach the subject on a man-to-man level while dressed in battle fatigues, making it clear that I am there on behalf of you, Tony, in an effort to ascertain his reasons for staying in your home past a deadline you have set, beyond the fact that he’s some sort of heathen communist or possibly Canadian.  I would give him ninety seconds to state his side, during which time I would remove leather gloves from my pocket, hold them in hand while staring straight through his soul and begin to hum “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”  At the end of the ninety seconds, I would put on the gloves, inform him that he has stated his case, and declare that he now has an additional sixty seconds to gather any and all possessions.  I would announce that any living thing remaining in the domicile located at 761 *** Street at the end of that sixty seconds would then enter a world of hurt not seen since The Battle of the Bulge.  Hopefully a hand knife maneuver will become necessary.

Price: No charge

Level II Engagement (Active Enlightenment) – this would first involve a pre-dawn decommissioning of the subject’s vehicle through rapid tire deflation and/or distributor cap and spark plug wire removal.  Next up would be interruption of any and all communication services (phone, internet, Twitter).  I would then enter the home, locate the subject and through a series of non-invasive interrogation techniques (direct questioning in an extreme arm bar position, aqua-immersive stimulation, etc.) determine exactly how many consecutive days of such treatment it would take before he got the hint to leave this dwelling completely.  I will pass along the fact that I am retired and have an open calendar for the foreseeable future.  Again, hopefully a hand knife maneuver or two can come into play.

Price: minimal travel fees and expenses for lock manipulation device

Level III Engagement (The Cheney Special) – Complete preemptive strike.  A zipline would be attached above the bedroom window from a nearby tree or building, upon which I would zip through the glass while shrieking, “Death from above!” and then employ a hand knife to the throat. The subject would then be dragged out by the hair through the broken window and into the street, spraypainted orange and forced to go door-to-door canvassing a three block radius and informing all of his neighbors that he is “the sonofabitch who’s going to kick all your lobster-eating asses into next week.”  This would truly make him uncomfortable in the environs as he would a) be asking for a fight from any and all takers in the neighborhood and b) he’d be very easy to spot anywhere in town since he’d be orange.

Price: negotiable (window replacement included)

Please make your choice from the above options and I can begin to surveil the target asap.  I will be out until 0900 hours tomorrow on a stealth turkey hunt.

In the Corps We Trust,
Col. Bancroft

“God has a hard-on for Marines because we kill everything we see! He plays His games, we play ours! To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep heaven packed with fresh souls!”  

From Tony to QB 

Great email! 

I am hopeful level 1 would do the job.

He will attempt to lie to you however when you see the place it will say all you need to know. 

Lets start there then decide what if anything is next.

Get a turkey? 

From Tony to QB

Hello again Colonel, 

He must have intuitively felt you coming because he called (4 am my time) and left a message saying he would be gone on Thanksgiving. If he does not leave as he said then lets discuss what is next step. 

If you and/or your friend knows anyone looking for an opportunity then keep me in mind as I am a “motivated seller”. I would consider exchanging rent for much needed cleaning, preparing for sale and a few repairs. 

Hopefully I will not need your services with this guy  however I may need them in the future so lets stay in touch. 

Your buddy is only 18+- miles away  

You have a great writing style and should consider doing something in that arena. I personally would love to hear some of the stories you have acquired. 

thanks and have a great Thanksgiving and I will be in touch,

Tony 

From QB to Tony 

The power of the Corps works in mysterious ways, my friend.  Apparently your clammer/vagrant could sense that justice was imminent and decided to vacate the premises before the fireworks began.  Or maybe it was time for him to go play down at the beach with his wussy clam rake and pail.  I should have figured as much.  A person consciously willing to overstay his welcome in another’s home is either a godless heathen or a German circa 1916-1945. 

Out of my own interest I will keep an eye on your property.  If the subject does leave the premises, so be it…the hand knives will have to wait.  I can at least vet any potential buyers in the future through my own screening process (cursory background check/dna verification of identity, 3-day training regimen, biblical quiz, explosives instruction, etc.).  You don’t want just anyone in there. 

Should’ve mentioned that there was a slight error in grammar in my last missive. I was on a stealth Turkey hunt, as in the country.  A few of my comrades in arms have arrangements with a military contact to receive transport to Istanbul, sometimes at a moment’s notice.  From there we fan out in search of the pygmy cormorant, a bird that is easily startled into flight and shakes in its bird boots at the sound of a repeating M-16.  The Turks complain from time to time but hey, if you want to be in NATO this kind of thing comes with the territory.  You allow us to show up on a whim and kill your rapidly depleting wildlife, and we continue to ignore your denial of the Armenian genocide.  Tit for tat. 

I appreciate your feedback on the writing skills.  Should I ever find time to publish the ol’ memoirs I’ll have a signed copy ready and waiting for you.  Much security clearance is needed before those tales are told, though. 

My best wishes to you and yours over this truly American holiday, Tony.  Remember – God and the Corps are watching over you. 

Yours in surveillance and hand-to-hand combat,

Col. Bancroft

I’m looking for a ride to FL…

Hi, I’m looking for a ride to crystal River FL, I don’t have any money, but i need to get to FL, looking to be there sometime in November… if you need some company let me know, I do not have a license either,lol. I will NOT screw u for a ride, so don’t ask, please no perverts. thank you. 

From QB to Evodka

I’m headed that way (Titusville) around 11/6 or 11/7 and could probably take you.  I’m all for having a little company on such a long ride but there should be a little something in it for me.  Can you read pretty well?  I volunteer for the Iris Network providing aid to the blind.  We could always use new readers for audio books.  I have a handy little portable recording system that you could read/record into on the way.  It has a headset so you wouldn’t have to hold a microphone up to your mouth for the whole trip.  Just a few hours of work for a noble cause sounds like a pretty fair trade to me.

From Evodka to QB

yes I can read, I think I could do that for you, and the 6th or 7th is fine by me, could you tell me when we would arrive in FL? oh and I live in ***,NH… I don’t know where you live… but if you could just scoop me up on the way… or I could try to meet you some where… I don’t have a phone for you to reach me… I have a laptop,lol… ok let me know.

From QB to Evodka

That’s great to hear, Evodka.  No problem with picking you up in NH.  Interesting name by the way.  Is that Dominican or Haitian creole?

I plan on the drive taking no more than two days.  Now as far as the reading is concerned, would you say that you have a high or a deep voice?  The pitch of your reading voice would have a bearing on what material we would have you read.  Some of the folks who get the audio books are very particular about such things.

From Evodka to QB

I don’t have a deep voice,lol. I would say middle. my name is polish…

From QB to Evodka

Ok, for middle voices we need someone to read pages 36 – 2,681 of the Chilton’s manual for GM Nova/Chevy II 1962-79.  A pretty good read all in all.  You’d be surprised how much emotion and feeling a manual writer can inject into the section on intake manifolds.

You sure that name is Polish?  Sounds Latino… 

From QB to Evodka (11 days later)

Hey, are we still on for this weekend?  If the Chilton’s manual is not your speed we could go with something lighter.  Let me know soon.  I’ve got a low voice and two highs lined up for the same trip but I don’t want to give your spot up without your say so.

From Evodka to QB

sorry, but i have decided to move to California instead, but thanks about thinking of me…

From QB to Evodka

Probably a good move.  There are all of those weird-ass manatees in Crystal River, FL, anyway.  I heard they eat human babies.  For real.  Plus, you’ll have as many fellow Latinos in California as you would in Florida.

I could still give you a ride if you want.  California is really just an extra couple of turns on the way to Titusville.  Plus, you promised that you would read for the Iris Network and I would hate to disappoint Mrs. Dellaforte who was so looking forward to your reading of the Chilton’s manual.

When are you planning on heading to CA?

(No further response)

WoW Acct – Blood Elf Pally – LEGENDARY HEALING MACE – $1500 (Maine)

I am selling my level 80 PvE Blood Elf Holy Pally. I am the origional owner. It has a legendary mace and is geared to the teeth. It has over 70k gold. It also has the “a tribute to insanity” mount, the flying rocket mount from the TCG, traveling tundra mount, motorcycle, reigns of the black war mammoth, a bear mount, and several 310% flying mounts. It has almost 100 pets and over 50 mounts. It also has almost 8k acheivement pts. It comes with a few other toons, but nothing too special, just a few guys from 60 to 70.

It has several pieces of PvE ret gear and some PvP furious gear.

It also has a Legendary mace!

http://www.mywowarmory.com/profile.php?id=154631

The account has faction changed recently. It can still be server transfered. Currently it’s on a PvP realm.

I accept cash and money orders. The account does have an authentication key. I’d rather make the trade in person, I live in Maine, but if someone is interested from another state I can overnight the authentication key on verification of payment.

I do not accept paypal. 

From QB to Gary

I am most interested in acquiring your Holy Pally.  I’m wondering why your reputation is so Exalted with the Frostwolf Clan yet Hated by the Bloodsail Buccaneers AND the Syndicate.  The Steamwheedle Cartel numbers seem a bit low, too, for such a price as you are asking.

From Gary to QB

I faction transfered and it messed up my rep with a few of the factions.  As for rep having anything to do with my price, I am getting an overwhelming response at the current price I offered it for.

From QB to Gary

Please don’t take my inquiry as an affront to your rep.  I am relatively new to WoW and I’m learning the ropes, as the saying goes.  So how would this work exactly?  I send you $1,500 and I get a login or password from you? 

I don’t want to let any of the other responders overwhelming your inbox to beat me to it, lest they enter my Aggro Radius and set things off!  Where in Maine are you?  I could meet you just about anywhere and hand off a cashier’s check. 

From Gary to QB

Sorry for the late response.  I am in the Bangor area.  You can check out the account first if you want to buy it and come up here.  The account has an authentication key so your going to need that to log in which is why I was looking for someone in Maine.  You would receive the key and account information when the check cleared, so we would have to hit a bank.  I’m not sure how long a cashier’s check takes to clear?  I do have another interested party but he has not sent me any money as of yet so the account is still up for grabs.  Let me know.

From QB to Gary

Cashier’s checks are instantly available.  Maybe if you spent less time making friends with ogres and stroking it to images of busty centaurs, that factoid would enter your realm of understanding.

I know Bangor pretty well so just name the spot/time and I will meet you there.  Do you LARP?  Maybe we could wrap this deal into a session.  I’ve got people in the area.

From Gary to QB

Oh I know all about Cashier’s checks.  I’ve had them not clear before from ebay sales because they were not real

I do not LARP, but I have some friends whom do, so maybe we know some of the same people.

From QB to Gary

Sorry to hear about your eBay troubles.  That sounds like some janky BS for sure.  I hope you prosecuted the charlatans.

Do you know Derek Lillibrand aka Derek Tha Phunky Cleric?  He’s my boy up there.  I also run with Stan Funston aka Stan Incarnate, Molly Thurber aka Big Bunny Beguiler, and Terry Ince aka Shadowcaster X.

From Gary to QB

Nope, I do not know any of those guys. 

And I did provide all the information to the police as he did send me a fake cashier’s check.   

From QB to Gary

How do you want to do this deal?  I’m staying with Big Bunny for the weekend to help out with her side business.  She does magic acts for kid’s parties.  I go along to fire Nerf darts at anyone who gets out of hand.  One time a guy tried to take her rabbit into the jacuzzi with him.  That’s why Kahlua and kid’s parties don’t mix.

Maybe we could find each other after?

From Gary to QB

We definately can.  Like I mentioned before, I’m looking to get paid in cash.  If you have a cashier’s check you can check the account out first and than run to the back to cash it.  I should be available all weekend.  I actualy live in Old town (5 mins outside of bangor).  Let me know when works best for you.

From QB to Gary

Whoa, you live in Old Town?!?  Deal is OFF.

From Gary to QB

LOL.  I know it’s a rough place to live.  With all those woods and a canoe factory. 

From QB to Gary

No, seriously.  I’ve heard about you Old Town people from Tha Phunky Cleric.  I’m not falling for that.

82 camaro pace car – $8000 (dexter)

This is a matching # car it has the lg4 305ho motor /T10 4sp posi rear 373 gear T-tops the origional motor is not in the car it has a vortec 350 built from hot rod magazine it was a budget build 400hp motor . everything with the running gear is new less than 600 miles on it all the brakes all the way around are new the paint was done a year ago it does need some work the interor is rough the car appraised for 12,500 as it sits this is a driver car comes with matching # motor vin # 1G1AP87H0L140622
it has power windows, locks , mirrors , ac ,tilt this is a project car i am selling because i want a older car i will trade this car for a 67-72 chevelle 69 camaro or other old GM cars or other teades

From QB to Beth

Wow, I’ve been looking for one of these in good condition for a while now.  I’m a big fan of Gordon Johncock, winner of that year’s 500.  Remember it like it was yesterday.  But it was actually 27 years ago.  Where does the time go?

I don’t have a Chevelle or Camaro from the years you mentioned.  I have a 68 Opel Commodore that’s in great shape.  Any interest?  Maybe the Opel and some cash?  Let me know.  I have big plans for the pace car.

From Beth to QB

hi i will pass on the car i am looking for something i can put a big block in i am puting the car in storage in a couple of weeks i dont want to sell this car i just dont have room for 2 cars this car has been in storage since 1992 it does need some work but is worth the money i have never seen another one in my life its only going to go up in value come take a look and drive it if you are serious can give more info on car if you need it

From QB to Beth

I would love to come take a look at the car.  Would Sunday be good for you?  I might bring along a friend if that’s ok.  We’re the leaders of the New England chapter of the International Indianapolis 500 Enthusiasts Club.  We’re planning a reenactment of the first lap of the ’82 race on the 30th anniversary in 2012.  The pace car is an integral piece, as well as three replica Indy cars to represent Rick Mears, Kevin Cogan, and A.J. Foyt, the front row of that year’s 500.  Just at the end of the pace lap we will wreck all four cars in a nod to Cogan’s famous crash that year (not entirely accurate, I know, since Mears was not taken out in the crash but we can’t get anyone in the club to agree to be Mario Andretti). 

There will be a hog roast and raffle fundraiser after the reenactment to raise money for the Gordon Smiley Fund.  As you surely recall, Smiley was killed in a horrific crash on Pole Day that year.  The GSF aids the families of race car drivers killed in race-related activities.  (Except for Dale Earnhardt, Jr.  He’s obviously doing ok for himself.)  Can I put you down for a donation?  It’s tax deductible.  Maybe we’ll talk more about it on Sunday.

From Beth/Mark to QB

sunday will be fine i need to know what time you can be in dexter so i can plan around it you can call me when you get in dexter and i can give you directions to my house my number is ***_**** my name is mark  

From QB to Beth/Mark

(Note: the email address is attributed to ‘Beth’ so that’s what I keep calling him) 

Beth,

I’m sorry I’m late in getting back to you.  I don’t think my partner and I can make it out to Dexter today.  Well, my partner certainly can’t.

We were running an early stage simulation of the ’64 Indy 500 crash that claimed the lives of Eddie Sachs and Dave MacDonald when a rogue marmot ventured onto the track causing Ephraim, my partner, to swerve off the backstretch and into a stand of nearby locust trees.  He’s got pins in both ankles, a ruptured patella tendon, several lacerations about the mid thorax and a touch of the croup.  All in all a pretty tame outcome for our bunch.  He’ll be back behind the wheel by Thursday.

Any chance Ephraim and I could take the Camaro for a test drive next Saturday?

From Beth/Mark to QB

we are not going to be around saturday but ill be home sunday untill 1:00  or any time through out the week after 5:00

From QB to Beth/Mark

Beth,

That sounds fine for Sunday.  Is there a section of road close to your home with a few hairpin turns or s-curves?  Just want to see what the car can really do.

Ephraim and I take an alternative approach to driving, something most closely associated with the event in this article (though I am far from a nag):

http://www.timesrepublican.com/page/content.detail/id/508227.html?nav=5002

E drives while visually impaired and I call out turns, distance to objects and desired speed from the passenger seat.  It actually works wonderfully apart from the occasional interloping marmot.  We’ll call you Sunday morning for directions to your place.

From QB to Beth/Mark

Beth,

Sorry you didn’t hear from us on Sunday.  We had a bit of tangle with the law on our way to Dexter.

Another snag in our driving arrangement is that E is Israeli and speaks zero English.  The only Hebrew I know is schmuck, which might not even count but it has been thrown E’s way many times lately and he seems to get the gist.  Anyway, we got to the Dexter area early on Sunday morning and stopped off at the Municipal Golf Course for a training run in what seemed to be a safe environment.  Coming down the cart path near the 4th hole, E buzzed a foursome who took umbrage with our near miss.  They hopped in their carts and began to give chase.  I tried to direct Ephraim to a shortcut through a tee station but he misunderstood my directions (as usual) and next thing I knew we were barreling through a neighborhood and headed straight for Lake Wassookeag.  This enabled us to lose the foursome but we had to ghost ride the cart into the lake to cover our tracks.  While walking back to the course parking lot to get back to our Opel Commodore, which is no picnic for E what with the ankle pins and crutches, we were stopped by the authorities.  It took some fancy talking but we were able to walk/hobble away without incident.  We felt it was best to leave town at that point.

You haven’t put the car in storage yet have you?

From Beth/Mark to QB

the car was sold this weekend.

From QB to Beth/Mark

Beth,

That’s a bummer.  I’ll try and communicate this unfortunate outcome to E but I’m pretty sure he had no idea why we were headed there in the first place.  He just loves to drive.

Hypnotherapy CD’s – $75 (Milton Twp, Maine)

Miscellaneous For Sale : Hypnotheraphy cd’s by robert g. Dean ph. D wt. reduction, wt. management, increase self esteem, exercise motivation, stop smoking, relief from stress and tension, freedom from depression, sexual enhancement, sleep, and hypnoanesthesia pain relief. If you have an open mind these do work. Sold as one unit. Comes in a hard case. Paid $100 will sell for $75   

From QB to Dee

Would you be willing to take $70 for the set?

From Dee to QB

Yes

From QB to Dee

You are getting very sleepy as you read this.  Your eyes are getting heavy but stay open just enough to continue reading.  You are under my control.

I have already mastered the art of hypnotherapy.  I have now ventured into the art of hypnokleptomania.  You will send me these CDs for free.  You will also send me $200 cash and a set of steak knives.  You will stay in a trance until I have received my goods.

Respond with “Yes, Master Q” and you will then receive further instructions on where to send these items.

PS – Bark like a Chihuahua

From Dee to QB 

You will send me a check for 75 and give me an address to send you the CD’s. You will do it soon, because many people have responded to this ad and the first one that sends the Check and it clears will receive these wonderful Cd’s… Good luck for I am the master of all Hypno’s

LOL

From QB to Dee

You are still feeling very sleepy as you read my words.  Apparently not sleepy enough as there seems to have been some lip coming from your end in the last email. 

Now sit back in your computer chair…let your shoulders relax…all of the tension is flowing from your body…reach into your pocketbook and find your wallet…still concentrating on your spiritual harmony…and my fiscal happiness…as you take out all of your cash and any department store gift cards and place them in an envelope marked ‘Master Q’…you will then take this envelope to J’s Oyster House in Portland and give it to a bartender named J.D. and then go home…once seated in your soft, plush computer chair again you will breathe deeply for twenty seconds, delete this email and break from this trance, never knowing what happened.

Remember, Master Q loves you.  And your cash.

Natural Bearded Santa Wanted!!! (South Portland)

The Picture People location at the Maine Mall in South Portland Maine is looking for a natural bearded Santa for the holiday season.
The hours would be nights during the week. Hourly rate and a fun enviroment to work in!!!
www.picturepeople.com

please send resume and a picture

From QB to Tamika

I am writing to express my interest in the opening for a Santa in the Maine Mall.  I have an extensive history of working in the field (see experience below), I love children and always look forward to the holiday season.  Actually, I wish it were never-ending!  I look forward to hearing from you about this opportunity.

Attachment: Quentin Bancroft photo

Relevant Work History:

- Seasonal Santa, 2005-2008, Mall at Rockingham Park, Salem, NH

   Reference: Connie Berard

- Seasonal Santa, 2003-2004, Mall of New Hampshire, Manchester, NH

   Reference: Bernie Tibbets

- Santa’s Helper, 2002, Santa’s Land, Cherokee, NC

   Reference: Caleb Tunstall

Best,

Quentin Bancroft 

From Tamika to QB

I received your information from George ***, I handle the Santa recruiting for our company.

Can you send me a professional photo of you as well as your contact information?

From QB to Tamika

I’m really sorry about not attaching it the first time.  I guess that’s why I’m a part-time Santa and not an administrative assistant.

Let me know if the picture came through ok this time.  This is the most professional-looking one I have right now.

From Tamika to QB

I’m not sure if there was a mistake or not, but this photo is not a Santa photo….

From QB to Tamika 

Where is my brain today?  Opportunity knocks only so many times and here I am answering the door in my skivvies.

Third time’s the charm, no?

From QB to Tamika

Did the second photo come through ok?  I am available to meet in person after 3pm today or anytime tomorrow.  I am anxious to give you my ‘Ho Ho Ho’ in person.  It’s a warm, deep intonation that really welcomes the kiddies into the season.  What is the Maine Mall’s policy on hugs, by the way?